8 Ways to keep your church from growing

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http://voices.yahoo.com/eight-ways-keep-church-growing-1350785.html

1. When newcomers arrive, be sure to ignore them. Don't bother to
greet them, introduce yourself, or give any sort of recognition that
they exist. They may feel welcome if you do and return next Sunday.
What congregation needs that?

2. When visitors arrive in tattered clothes, jeans, sandals, or
(gasp!) shorts, be sure to look them up and down disapprovingly.
You're dressed to kill, and everyone knows God wants us to spend lots
of money on fine clothing and fancy jewelry. How dare they presume to
worship our Lord when they are not dressed in proper attire?

3. When newcomers accidentally sit in "your seat" give them icy
looks. You've been sitting there for years and everyone in the
congregation knows it. What gives newcomers the right to sit there?
They belong in the back row of the church with the rest of the sinners!

4. When the offering plate is passed and the visitors decline to
contribute, give them more condescending looks. Never mind that the
father is unemployed, the mother is disabled, and they don't know how
they are going to feed the kids the rest of the week.

5. When the church service is over, be sure to gather together in
your cliques, and hurry out to the local buffet without inviting the
visitors. They might actually be able to hold an interesting
conversation and add new life to your stale gatherings. Heaven forbid!

6. Make suggestions to the pastor to improve the church and its
programs. When he says that's a great idea and gives you the
go-ahead, do absolutely nothing and wonder why nothing gets done.

7. Squabble among yourselves over things that don't really matter,
like what color to paint the sanctuary or who is going to make the
peach cobbler for the next church dinner. It's what you want that
matters, who cares what anyone else thinks? Create rifts and
divisions as much as possible over insignificant details.

8. Let the pastor do all the work; isn't that his job? He only works
an hour or two on Sunday. He should have plenty of free time to write
a sermon, greet visitors, maintain the building, mind the budget,
teach the Sunday School, manage the youth group, visit the sick,
counsel congregants, make the post-visit calls, and implement
outreach programs. Be sure to lay all the blame at his feet as your
church building falls apart and the congregation dwindles.